Julia Recski (kletta) wrote in age_rage,
Julia Recski

ageism hurts a lifetime long

I love this community, and I love the concept of two such sister communities. A fairytale come to life. The fairytale being Howard Fast’s novel Spartacus, which I haven’t yet read, and I don’t like all of what I’ve read, including the homophobic parts—but I love this quote from Spartacus’ wife Varinia:

"And always, we were equal. When his best friend, Crixus, died, he put his head in my lap and cried and whimpered like a little boy. And when my first baby came still born in six months, I cried the same way, and he took care of me."

That’s the life: crying in each others’ arms like children (since we’re anti-ageist anyway), while actively fighting for equality.

My userpics are of the girlfriend of a different Spartakus. ;-) I should use the grateful/glad pic now, like I used it when I didn’t even have this much reason—but this is one of those communities where I can vent and say what I want, and so I use this pic. This, too, is a way of celebration.

Well, I’m over 18, I’m even 21, which is, AFAIK, the other age of majority in the USA. But please correct me if I’m wrong, I’m no expert. And I’m Hungarian anyway.

But time is no cure for ageism.

It’s just like being operated into a man in a sexist society.

As kattlady’s said, ”the current stance on ageism by most [...] is that it doesn't exist or is completely justified”. That’s just as true for ageism suffered in the past. And what was in the past is bad, too, not as bad as if it were in the present, but still. ”Was war, hört nicht einfach auf”. That’s the subtitle of Cordula Tollmien’s novel Fundevogel, and it means something like ”what was, doesn’t simply stop”.

Even if it was nothing else, just that there were 10-15 years when I didn’t have the same rights as today, that I have that much less of this life to live—that’s bad enough. Think of what a percentage of my life that is. I’ll probably live for 80-90 years, what with all the development science will make until then—but unless some huge breakthrough comes, no one says I have to make 80 or even 75. This all has to do with something that pisses me off in Megamorphs #4: Back to Before in the Animorphs series by K.A. Applegate…

But then something else, too, has to do with that book. Namely that there is something else. That that time is not only missing from my life, but has the power to ruin the rest of it.

Erziehung in German, nevelés in Hungarian…I don’t know how to translate it. Childrearing? They’ve done that to me. They’ve consciously, purposefully programmed my mind—just like almost every other child’s mind has been progressed. I, as I am, am the result of ageism.

„the tyranny IS you”. Just read Gyula Illyés’ poem, ”A Sentence About Tyranny” (or another translation).

je cherche et ne me trouve plus ;
qu'étais-je donc ?
Que suis-je encore et quel démon
se joue de moi à mon insu?

That’s from ”Noir ou Blanc”, that is, ”Javert’s Suicide: Soliloquy” from Les Misérables: The Original French Concept Album. I can send the MP3 to anyone who's interested. And it means something like:

I search and don’t find myself anymore
What was I?
What am I still? And what demon
Plays with me without my knowledge?

Only with me, it’s just the other way around, and it’s conservative order that plays with me and disturbs me. Though that did come first…

One result is that I often can’t know what I want. And even if I can, it’s no good. I indeed don’t want to torture all Earth’s population to death (though sometimes I do have such fantasies)—but by not doing it, I am following an order, too. It’s hard to avoid following orders.

Have you read Orwell’s 1984? I think that there, O’Brien says something like: the only way to know you have power over others is to hurt them—otherwise, you can’t be sure, they’re not obeying you voluntarily. And I, who was born in 1984, came up with the other side of this: if you’re ordered not to hurt others, then the only way to avoid obeying orders—to avoid being under others’ power—is to hurt others. Otherwise, you can’t be sure. Even if you don’t want power over others, just over yourself…you’d need to hurt others. But fortunately, it’s not all that bad.

There’s another way to know I’m not following orders, and that’s to deal with brand-new things, about which no orders have been given at all. They only have to be new to me. Weird things are all new—that’s why I like sci-fi and fantasy so much. That’s why I’m always on the lookout for new sci-fi and fantasy and new fictional situations in general, also realistic ones.

This is why it’s so fortunate, not just that I’m so old now, but that I was born so early—because this means I only learned to know the Internet as a preteen, some aspects even later. This wasn’t ruined by childhood. And this is a very big this. For example, now I can choose exactly which communities I want to participate in, and to what extent, and how.

But the main thing is that I’ve been brainwashed, systematically, by many people, for many years. They’ve made me the way they wanted me to be. Now, when I want to be the way I want to be, they expect me to do this alone. But I can’t. I’m too weak to help myself all alone. I’m only one person. I need outside help. But nobody has the time or energy to give me that. And I can’t blame them.

But anyway, please tell me how I could help you.
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